Blog – Getting Happy Again

5 Ways I Learned to Love and Embrace Laziness After Exiting A Cult

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I was raised in a religious context—which I call Gilead—that praised hard work, being busy and constantly making sacrifices. These ideas of proving our worth through productivity were engrained in us as children. And as we grew older, as mini-Handmaids we began to be competitive about who was more tired, who had worked right through lunch, who had put in a straight 24-hour volunteer shift (this isn’t an exaggeration; in my younger years, I also put in a few of those 24-hour shifts), who had gotten the least amount the sleep, and whose schedules were busier.

Most of our acts of being busy were attempts to feel validated and appreciated by others. As if somehow we could prove our worth and value by displaying how busy and productive we were. Or, look at how morally righteous I am because I never waste time!

One good friend would end every one of her text message conversations with a sentence like: “now I’m off to clean my house”. It didn’t matter what we had been talking about — the weather, dinner plans, random gossip. It was her way of letting me know that she wasn’t being lazy and was a very busy, hard-working person.

The English word “lazy” first appeared in the 1540s and was used to describe someone who disliked work, action or effort. No wonder we don’t like being labelled as lazy! Etymologists think that the word lazy likely came from Low German, from a source such as Middle Low German word laisch meaning, “weak, feeble, tired”.

Today, the word lazy can be defined as indolent, slothful, work-shy, shiftless, loafing, inactive, inert, sluggish, lethargic, languorous, listless, torpid, enervated, slow-moving, slow, heavy, dull, plodding; remiss, negligent, slack, lax, lackadaisical, impassive, good-for-nothing, do-nothing; leisurely.

Lazy is a small four letter word that has a lot of weight and meaning behind it. Instead of over-using the word lazy, I want to be more specific about what I mean.

Instead of calling myself lazy for ordering takeout instead of cooking dinner, I’ll speak more kindly to myself, “I’m tired so I’ll be ordering in tonight”. Rather than the word lazy when I don’t get as much accomplished in a day, I’ll think to myself, “I needed a slow day today”. And the next time I sleep in until noon and just stay in my pajamas all day, I won’t call it a lazy day, but I can describe it as: “I had the most leisurely day on Saturday”.

After leaving Gilead, here are five mindsets that I needed to change in order to let go of my obsessive, constant need to look busy. And instead, I began seeking a life that was more slow, languorous, leisurely (also known as lazy):

1. My worth is not tied to my productivity

If our worth was based on productivity and working hard, that would be a very sad way to view elderly people, small children and people with cancer.

With that said, one of the ideas I love in the Bible is the belief that every one of us has intrinsic value. The book of Genesis goes even further by teaching us that we were all “made in God’s image”. In other words, I am already enough. I already have value without needing to prove anything

2. Self-care is not a luxury

Have you ever thought about the safety instructions on a plane? We are told to put on our own oxygen masks first before helping children and others in need. That’s because we need to be living and breathing in order to reach out and help others.

Consider it as a form of putting of putting on your oxygen mask when you include a morning routine, cook something delicious for yourself, read something entertaining, watch something funny, take a nighttime bath. Those leisurely activities have the benefit of breathing life into our essential selves.

3. It feels creative to be bored

Do-nothing (another word for lazy) is an essential part of life. When I’m bored and I let my mind wander, it’s like my brain starts forming new synapses and I start having some really creative ideas and insights. As an example, when I allowed myself to be bored, I figured out a new way to rearrange my bedroom for maximum sunlight exposure. And it’s when I’m bored that I start coming up with new blog post ideas.

4. Take a nap

There’s a fantastic IG account run by a Black woman called The Nap Ministry with over 350K followers. It’s a wonderful resource for re-examining our views on rest, napping and mental health. We examine the liberating power of naps. Rest is a form of resistance. The more you sleep the more you wake up. Rest is soul care. Well worth your Instagram real estate!

If you’d like a more scientific approach to the benefits of napping, here’s a study done at Harvard Medical School. It was a small study but in summary:

Napping increased the time spent in slow-wave and rapid-eye-movement (REM) sleep, which are thought to play important roles in restoring the body and brain. Whether they took long naps or short naps, participants showed significant improvement on three of the four tests in the study’s cognitive-assessment battery.

A daily nap can add to total sleep (plus time in restorative REM sleep) and improve daytime cognitive function. So take that nap!

My favorite recommendation about napping comes from a friend who recommends a “nappuccino”. He’ll have a small cup of coffee or a shot of espresso just before taking a 20 minute nap. Generally, caffeine takes about 20 minutes in our system before it gives us that little jolt of energy. So his 20 minute nap works out perfectly with his cup of coffee. When he wakes up from his 20 minute nap, he immediately feels that energizing effect from the caffeine and the nap.

5. Stop Keeping Up With The Kardashians

In my case, I started saying No to stuff that I was only doing in order to “keep up” with my peers. I guess I can be pretty competitive.

Then I began declining certain social events, book club, get-togethers or agreeing to last minute assignments and requests.

It was hard at first because I had created an identity around being helpful, being pleasing to others, being hard working. If I’m being really honest with myself, it put me on a moral high ground. I felt like a better person because of these acts. Remember those 24-hour volunteer shifts we would do? —it was mostly done to shock and garner praise.

Here’s the thing, we love our pets unconditionally and we don’t expect anything from them. Let’s be real, they really don’t do anything—they just hang out with us, they eat, they nap all day, they’ll have a snack, they play and they loved being petted. But we love our pets just for existing.

Once I started embracing the idea of laziness and being okay with the brighter side of being lazy: being slow, leisurely, and being laid-back, I started enjoying life more. I started sleeping better at night, my skin cleared up and I would start each day with a healthy dose of optimism. It was such a huge shift from my people-pleasing Gilead days.

You can call me lazy anytime.

Learning To Be Okay With Saying “I Don’t Know”

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Have you heard of Louise Penny? She’s a Canadian author who writes mysteries set in the fictitious town called Three Pines that is so remote it doesn’t appear on any maps. And because Three Pines is in Canada, in Quebec, just over the border from Vermont, the stories are usually set in winter. The cold outdoors is a cozy contrast to the roaring fireplace, the warm bistro serving steaming bowls of soup and plates of grilled cheese sandwiches that create a picture in our minds.

But we’re there for the people. There’s the cranky old poet Ruth who came up with, “I’m FINE” (FINE stands for Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Egotistical); Clara the artist who finds success once she finally steps out of her husband’s shadow; Myrna the former psychologist who now owns a bookstores in Three Pines; Armand and his wife Reine-Marie who have been married for 35+ years and have the sweetest marriage. In Three Pines, friendships are strong and last-lasting. The bistro—run by Olivier and Gabri—is welcoming. And the food is always delicious.

Personally I’ve always had a crush on Chief Inspector Armand Gamache who loves reading, has a remarkable gift of understanding people and always smells of sandalwood and rosewater.

In his quiet intelligent way, Gamache is also very wise. Here’s an example:

“There are four things that lead to wisdom. You ready for them?” She nodded, wondering when the police work would being. “They are four sentences we learn to say, and mean.” Gamache held up his hand as a fist and raised a finger with each point. “I don’t know. I need help. I’m sorry, I was wrong.”
—Still Life by Louise Penny

During my time in Gilead, I never said “I don’t know.” That’s because I thought I had the answer to everything. I was certain in my own point of view. I was overly confident in what I knew. I even considered myself an expert on many topics.

Was Chief Inspector Gamache right? Is there wisdom behind saying, “I don’t know”?

It turns out that the most wisest and erudite people in history have always said, “I don’t know”. The impressionist painter Michel de Montaigne coined the term, “What do I know?” (“Que sçay-je?”) William Shakespeare wrote, “A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” Confucius said, “True wisdom is knowing what you don’t know.”

“A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.”
William Shakespeare

Reading outside of Gilead’s own library of books made me realize what a fool I had been. When I thought I was at my smartest, I actually knew nothing. The more I learned, the more I realized what I don’t know. I also understood why reading books outside of Gilead’s library had always been discouraged. Saying “I don’t know” can cause a crisis of faith, but that’s okay because experience, not just knowledge, is the beginning of wisdom. It’s actually pretty empowering.

Ask Me Your Cult Questions: My Top 3 Favorite Things Since Leaving A Cult

Leave a Comment / Ask Lady Whistleblower, Cult Recovery, Happiness, Wellness

Dear Lady Whistleblower,

Since you’ve left Gilead, what have you most enjoyed about your new life?

Signed,

Seeking Motivation To Leave

***

Dear Seeker,

What a wonderful question! Honestly, it changes on a daily basis but today here are the top three things I am thankful for:

1. Free Time

I used to devote hundreds of hours in unpaid volunteer work each year. I didn’t mind being unpaid because I had a fairly well-paid, performance-driven corporate job. What I did mind was feeling time-poor. I was living in a constant state of time poverty. Not to minimize the damaging effects of material poverty, but time poverty also feels like a constant state of stress and insecurity.

Without exaggerating, my day would look something like this. I’d be on my way to work by 7:00 am because traffic in my city sucks. Usually on the commute to work, I’d also be checking work emails or doing mid-week meeting preparations (such as figuring out my comments in a foreign language, or working on a student talk which due to the size of my group, I would be doing every 4-6 weeks). Once I got to work, I’d say a quick hi and chat up with my boss who would usually be in the office by 6:30 am. (Sidenote: he didn’t mind being in the office during the entirety of daylight hours because his family lived in another city and he flew home to be with them every weekend but during the week, work was his entire life. Great boss by the way)

Then I’d be pretty busy throughout the day but would try to workout at the company gym on my lunch break. This would be a pretty good stress relief for me – usually an intense HIIT workout, spinning class or doing 30 minutes on the treadmill. (Looking back, those high intensity workouts probably added to my stress. Knowing what I know now, I would definitely use that lunch hour to actually sit down and eat something delicious, have a conversation with a friend, listen to some fun music or read something funny.)

Then around 6:00 pm (a little earlier if it was a meeting night) I would try to leave the office. Meeting nights were a non-negotiable for me at the time which annoyed a lot of people including my boss – they couldn’t understand why I was refusing to finish something for the team, or why this deadline wasn’t a priority for me.

On one hand, it helped me to establish some boundaries. Like, “come on guys – this is ONE night a week that I’m asking to leave the office at a decent time.” But on the other hand, I would always, ALWAYS feel guilty for leaving my small team behind as they continued working on a tight deadline. And in my industry, there was a tight deadline almost every day.

Obviously, by the time I got to the meeting I was stressed, frazzled, exhausted and feeling guilty. Feeling guilty about everything. Because I hadn’t prepared for the meeting enough. Because I should be still at the office. Because I had a speaking assignment tonight and I haven’t even had a chance to practice it beforehand. Because my BlackBerry (my work phone) had that damn red light on the corner that would light up and start flashing, letting me know throughout the meeting that I was being messaged with some question, request or emergency.

By the time I got home – usually around 10 pm – I was “tired but wired.” I got into a bad habit of having a drink (or two) to wind down. I began to rely on that nightcap a little too much.

Did I have a crazy, demanding job? Yes. But I loved my job and I loved the perks (meeting interesting business leaders, always learning something new about my industry, having my own company-issued credit card with an expense account, fun business trips staying at places like the Ritz-Carlton)

In the end, I really couldn’t continue living like that. So I said good-bye to that job (which always came second place to Gilead) and recommitted to my “career” as a full-time volunteer. That felt satisfying and fulfilling until ultimately, it didn’t.

2. Yoga

I love practicing yoga but it was forbidden in Gilead. In the mid-70’s Gilead issued an article warning that practicing yoga could lead to a blank mind and self-induced hypnosis. And no one wants a blank mind because it makes a person easy prey for demons. The article concluded with this damning statement: “The unvarnished truth is that yoga’s ‘serpent power’ is spiritism, which is condemned in the Bible“. Then in the 80’s there were further warnings about yoga. “Real yoga is not merely a form of exercise. It is a Hindu religious practice” The dangers of a empty mind was again explained: “One (yoga) practicer reports that during one expended period of exercise and mediation, he felt frequent attacks by invisible forces. The demons can take advantage of a mind that is empty and fill it with their own thoughts. So beware! This practice could make you their prey“. In the early 2000’s, the topic of yoga was again linked to voluntarily exposing yourself to spiritism and occultism. Instead of turning to yoga which is rooted in false religion, Gilead encouraged us to “look forward to God’s blessing of a righteous new system of things in which we can enjoy perfect health in body and mind for an eternity“.

I used to have terrible neck and back pain but since practicing yoga, those pains have pretty much gone away. I’m thankful that I can now practice yoga without feeling guilty or fearing the dangers of an incredibly helpful and restorative practice.

3. Harry Potter books

In my former religion, not only was I forbidden to read anything that had to do with magic, but I was truly terrified that reading those books would mean welcoming wicked spirits and demons into my life.

One of the first subversive things I did as I began to see my religion with new eyes was to read the entire Harry Potter series. I was already an adult by then but this did not lessen the delight I felt in reading these books. I wanted to be friends with Harry, Luna Lovegood, the Weasley twins. I wanted to give Neville Longbottom a big hug. I wanted to try Butterbeer with Harry, Hermione and Ron at Hogsmeade. To me, these books are truly magical – in the best sense of the word.

The seven books (Goblet of Fire is my favorite) touch on every part of the human condition: being an outsider (Harry Potter lives with his aunt Petunia, uncle Vernon and cousin Dudley who hate him but mostly they just fear him and he’s stuck living in a cupboard under the stairs), loneliness (the final book in the series is incredible as Harry has to forge his own path, mostly on his own), being judged (I love Snape so much and I weep when I think of his secret and lifelong love for Lily, Harry’s mother) navigating friendships (there’s no better trio than Harry and his best friends Ron and Hermione), occasionally having to break the rules (Harry’s invisibility cloak and the Marauder’s Map).

To me, these books touch on every part of what it means to be a human and I feel like I’ve become a better person by reading these books.

How To Be A Strong, Creative, Independent Woman After Leaving A Cult

Leave a Comment / Ask Lady Whistleblower, Inspiration

Dear Lady Whistleblower,

I was raised to be a submissive, obedient woman by my high-control religion. I hate calling it a cult, because I hate that word. But we were told what kind of clothes to wear (skirts had to be below the knee, pants were frowned upon, for example), we were discouraged from ever voicing our own opinion, we were not allowed to “teach” men, some people in my religion didn’t even like the word “partnership” to describe a marriage because that word made it seem like men and women were equal.

Was this Afghanistan? No. I live in an affluent, liberal-minded city on the West Coast. I guess I’m curious about where to start in terms on how I view myself as a woman going forward. I want to shed these toxic beliefs about myself as a woman but where do I even begin?

***

Wow, this is an amazing question. First, I’d like to recommend a book that helped me tremendously as I tried to figure out who I was as a woman after leaving Gilead: Goddesses in Everywoman: Powerful Archetypes in Women’s Lives by Jean Shinoda Bolen. Written in the 80’s, Shinoda-Bolen is a psychiatrist and MD who found a unique way of presenting the psychology of women based on the goddesses of Ancient Greece. The stories around these Greek goddesses have been around for more than three thousand years, and are definitely worth a look. My answer to you will be mostly based on what I learned from that book.

Although not as insane as being a woman in Afghanistan, being raised in Gilead had warped my own view of being a woman and how we should move about in this world (Gilead wanted women to move and talk quietly, modestly and obediently).

Seeing how women were viewed from the lens of 3,000 years ago in Ancient Greece turned out to be empowering, inspiring and very educational.

I was surprised to learn about the feminine archetype of Athena. She’s very strategically minded, confident, competitive and a clear thinker. Did you know that it was Athena who was the best strategist during the Trojan War? But she was never considered “masculine” or “too manly”. She just had her own style of feminine energy. I hadn’t been taught to develop those Athena-like qualities: developing a business sense, managing and investing my money, feeling equal to a man, speaking with confidence and authority.

As I exited a religious cult, I needed that Athena energy to assess my new situation. In this time of crisis, I needed to be strategic and practical. I needed to be unemotional and rationally decide who I could trust with my secret plan of leaving my religion and who I couldn’t. I had to assess what the trajectory of my life would look like: would I stay in my current city, how’s my financial situation, do I need to go back to school, what relationships can I maintain and which ones do I need to let go of. Rational Athena never loses her head, her heart or her self-control. I wouldn’t want to be Athena for the rest of my life, but during this stage in my life, it served an important purpose.

Then there’s the goddess Artemis. Exiting a religious cult is a bit like leaving a controlling, manipulative relationship. That’s why learning about Artemis was so important for me. Artemis was known for not needing a man, and not doing anything just to please a man.

In Shinoda Bolen’s book, she uses the example of women who marry young; they often won’t find their Artemis energy until much later in life — usually after a divorce. That’s because they’ve gone from the role of a daughter straight to role of a wife. They haven’t had a chance to develop the strong, independent spirit that Artemis is known for. I began to think that a divorce was a good analogy for what I was going through — I was divorcing Gilead. It was going to get messy, painful and even ugly. I needed to develop my Artemis energy in order to survive this divorce.

I had been raised by a pretty strong, feminist-leaning mother but it was within the context of a patriarchal religious hierarchy, so in order to really activate my inner Artemis, I needed to relearn a lot a things about how I saw myself as a woman and discover how to be a strong, independent woman without the confines of what a religion had taught me.

Learning about the Artemis archetype turned out to be a lot of fun! We already know that Artemis is very independent, but she also tends to feel strongly about principles. She’s quick to use her strength to come to the defence of someone smaller or younger. Think about Katniss in Hunger Games and how protective she was of her younger sister. She stepped forward and volunteered to take Prim’s place in the dangerous and deadly Games. I think I already had some Artemis energy but this time, instead of advocating for others, I needed to protect myself.

I realized that my Artemis energy had been very useful to me in my former religion because it gave me meaning and purpose. I liked the challenge of learning a new language or navigating different personalities and cultures. I’ve never felt the pressure to have kids and now I understand why: Just like Artemis, I was comfortable putting that particular kind of mothering energy into other young women or other people’s kids.

That Artemis energy also comes with an ability for coldness and cruelty. It surprised me how quickly I could “ghost” or “write off” certain people in my life, as I left my religion. Maybe I felt like if I shunned them first, it wouldn’t hurt as much? But it still felt pretty terrible to act so coldly in my task of regaining my power. To balance that aspect of my Artemis energy, I’m still trying to figure out the right balance of compassion while protecting myself. So a little bit of Aphrodite — the goddess of love — will help with that!

Aphrodite is my kind of girl. She’s whom I aspire to be. To Homer, she was “a lover of laughter”. She was sensual, creative and loving. If you’ve ever fallen in love, that’s your Aphrodite energy coming through.

I once had a good friend who was constantly falling in love with everyone she met. She’d have multiple crushes on people. She struggled with adult acne during most of her 20’s but that didn’t stop her from feeling attractive and sexy. And guess what? People were magnetized to her, too. Men of all ages loved her. She was also always full of ideas and plans. She wanted to move to Italy one day, the next day she was going to become a therapist. Another time, she convinced a group of friends to join her belly-dancing class. She loved good food and although she didn’t drink wine, she appreciated it when other people loved and savoured their wine. Without being corny, she would constantly say stuff like, “you need to love yourself, girl”.

Sadly, our very strict, fundamentalist religion tried to suppress any type of Aphrodite energy — being flirty, falling in love easily, a fiery personality, intense relationships with everyone she would meet — so my friend was always considered as someone weak, “bad association” and was never socially accepted within Gilead.

As I left my religion, I tried to harness some of that Aphrodite energy. I wanted to be loving and creative. But how?

Aphrodite lives out of abundance, not scarcity. She loves generously and without judgement. In my religion, I had been taught to live out of scarcity, not abundance. There was scarcity of everything—the number of hours in the day, single eligible men, privileges, money and other resources.

Having called myself a Christian my entire life, I thought I knew the Bible. But when I started doing my own studying and research of the Bible (outside of my religion’s own library of publications), I was surprised at how much the message of abundance, and not scarcity, is everywhere. Jesus and the miracle of the loaves, the miracle of turning water into wine. The Israelites were commanded to leave the edges of their harvest in harvested so that foreigners and single-parent families could harvest the edges in what’s called gleaning; the abundance of manna that appeared every morning (except on the Sabbath which was their day of rest). Even the Sabbath was a sign of abundance: you and your family would always have enough, even if you took a day off.

Along with that abundance mindset, Aphrodite removes any type of guilt and judgment. She really doesn’t care how people spend their time. If you want to take a two-hour nap every day, Aphrodite would be the friend who would say, “Go for it, girl!” She simply doesn’t judge who we are or what we do. Oh my, this was the total antithesis of who I had been in my former religion. I had to let go of knowing everything, judging others, being right all of the time.

We all want to be friends with Aphrodite because we feel comfortable being in the presence of someone we know isn’t secretly judging us. It’s how we all want to be loved – to be accepted for who we are – and when we do experience it, there’s an immediate bond and deeper connection.

Back to my Aphrodite friend. She was always very much living in the present. Do-now, think-later. Now that I think about it, it was completely opposite to what my religion taught us: Don’t-now. Do-someday. And that someday would be in a future paradise. So not even in this life!

My friend seized each day with full optimism and delight. It makes me think of Maya Angelou’s line: “This is a wonderful day. I have never seen this one before”. I think we can all channel that Aphrodite energy by doing new things, spending time with people without an ounce of judgement and being open to connecting deeply with others. That killer combo of Aphrodite’s openness and charisma in women can be so intriguing.

Shinoda Bolen says, as women, we will experience Aphrodite’s influence most intensely during the time of ovulation — 14 days before our period — that’s when we feel our most sexy, flirtatious and extroverted self!

In essence, there’s hope for all of us who were raised inside a strict, patriarchal religious cult. If we can learn to harness the triple threat feminine energy of Athena (goddess of courage, wisdom, strategy, skill), Artemis (independent, protector of young girls, healer) and Aphrodite (love, passion, pleasure), we would be well on our way to becoming well-balanced, powerful woman. I highly recommend reading Goddesses in Everywoman: Powerful Archetypes in Women’s Lives by Jean Shinoda Bolen for a deeper dive on this topic.

How To Murder Your Cult Life

2 Comments / Cult Recovery, Happiness, Inspiration

Did you ever read Shonda Rhimes’s book, A Year of Saying Yes? If you’ve ever enjoyed watching Grey’s Anatomy (the first few seasons were amazing but fizzled out for me after Cristina Yang left the show), Scandal (I loved Olivia Pope’s style more than the actual storyline) and most recently Bridgerton (yes please!), then you probably know and love everything that Shonda Rhimes imagines and creates.

I first saw the cover of that book A Year of Saying Yes while vacationing somewhere hot and beachy. There was a pretty, suntanned girl about my age, a few beach chairs down who was reading the hardcover version of the book and kept turning to her to say, “omigod this book is so amazing.”

The title alone might not have enticed me but the beach girl’s enthusiastic, real-time endorsement of the book worked on me.

A few weeks later after finishing the book myself, I excitedly told my friends, “Guess what, guys? I’m going to start saying yesyesyes to everything”.

Looking back, it was kind of hilarious because I was inside a religion where we were taught to say “yes here I am!” to everything — as long as it wasn’t a birthday party or an invitation to go for a drink with people at work. In other words, every year was A Year of Saying Yes for me.

Sadly I can’t remember much about my own experience of trying a Year of Yes. Most likely, because my life — unlike Lady Shonda’s — didn’t change all that much.

Later, when I slowly and quietly started to exit my religion, I ended up doing the reverse. I had a Year of Saying No. Now, that was interesting.

I don’t know about Shonda Rhimes, but saying No was a lot harder to say than Yes.

Saying No initially took careful planning because I had unconsciously been saying yesyesyes to everything and anything. Not having an automatic answer for everything forced me to be thoughtful about the actual question. In the beginning, I thought I had to explain why I was saying No. My sentences would always sound something like this: “I’m sorry I can’t because…”

Later I learned Oprah’s wise advice: No is a complete sentence. Damn I wish I had known that sooner. If saying No as a complete sentence seems too harsh or abrupt for the situation, I might say something like, “I’m sorry that won’t work for me,” or “I’m unable to do that.”

Saying No surprised people who were used to me saying yesyesyes to everything. But in turn, I witnessed those friends starting to saying No themselves to scheduled activities/invitations/obligations that didn’t bring them joy. It made me think that people want to be able to say No but certain cultures frown upon it. In the Japanese culture, for example, the direct translation of the word No iie might as well be the equivalent of telling someone to F* off; on the flip side, in Chinese there are multiple ways to say No such as bu’yao, bu’xing, bu’keyi. And then many social environments (say, in a high control religious group or a top-down corporate culture) make it really difficult to say No.

Saying No meant I received fewer invitations to happy hour or dinner parties. But that meant I had more time for myself and activities that I truly enjoyed doing. And nothing was going to stop me from enjoying happy hour on my own!

Saying No meant saying good-bye to some relationships. But that was okay too, because a lot of those people were unhappy, overly judgmental, loved to gossip about each other and drained my energy.

It’s funny because I went back to A Year of Saying Yes and discovered this line: “Saying no was a way to disappear. Saying no was my own slow form of suicide.”

That’s when I realized that I needed that Year of Saying No to free myself from my religion. It allowed me to disappear and become invisible to my group. But I learned that I would be okay without them. Saying No was my religion’s equivalent of murdering my life. It might sound morbid, but that part of my life had to be killed off in order for me to start saying Yes again.

Let me know if you’ve ever had the desire to murder your life!

How Real Housewives Helped Me Through My Cult Recovery

Leave a Comment / Ask Lady Whistleblower, Cult Recovery, Happiness

Dear Lady Whistleblower,

I’ve just recently realized that the religion I belong to is a cult. What can I say? I’m angry at my parents for being blind and raising me in this religion. I’m angry for the childhood I never had. I’m angry that I never had a chance to attend college/university. I’m ashamed at myself for having spent most of my 20’s devoted to this religious cult.

I’m now doing a lot of reading about cognitive dissonance, cults, mind control methods and listening to podcasts like Leah Remini’s Scientology: Fair Game and others but I’m afraid that my free time is consumed with anger, shame and thinking about cults. Any advice on how I move forward and how to start letting go of my anger and shame?

***

Wow, congrats on the courage it takes to take that honest look at yourself. I once heard an interview about a man who had a horrific and traumatic childhood. He hadn’t properly looked at his reflection in the mirror for almost 50 years. How does that happen?

I tried that little experiment for myself. Could I brush my teeth, or put on makeup without actually looking at my reflection in the mirror. Amazingly yes, I could stand in front of a mirror but tell my brain to ignore that face, it had nothing to do with me.

Anyways, it’s quite possible that you’ve been doing a version of not looking at your reflection in the mirror as well. I know I certainly had! I saw things I didn’t like (religious hypocrisy, inconsistencies, double talk, beliefs that I didn’t agree with, etc.) but I would tell my brain to look away, it had nothing to do with me.

Besides, this life was “just a dress rehearsal” for the real life that was just around the corner. So I didn’t really need to take care of myself, both physically and psychologically. I had been refusing to look at my own reflection in the mirror.

Now in terms of what you’re going through right now — I think anger and shame allows us to process our past and begin healing. Anger can help us to channel our energy and passion into making needed changes. And shame brings us to admitting that we might have done some pretty sh!tty things to ourselves and others, and hopefully start to make amends (with ourselves and others).

I was pretty ashamed of how I had treated one of my closest friends when she chose to leave my religion. I was young and self-righteous at the time and honestly had no guilt about shunning her. Fast forward to when I finally looked at my reflection in the mirror with honest eyes. I felt ashamed for how I had treated my friend. That shame moved me to analyze my religion. It led me to uncover the reasons why I thought I was morally superior to her and doing the right thing by turning my back on her. Along the way, I discovered that my religious beliefs were built on a foundation of sand, and were not tied to reality. Although it was mighty painful, the shame I felt for how I had treated my friend was an important catalyst for finally realizing that I had been living my life for a lie.

Phew, that was heavy. But needed to be said.

While shame and anger can be helpful emotions, we need to balance it with joy and relaxation. I slept so much during that initial time of leaving my religion. I also think crying is important. Why? Martha Beck — a former-Mormon who received death threats when she left her religion — says, “people don’t cry when they lose hope. They cry when they get it back.” Being able to cry was a signal to myself that hope and joy were close by.

I think it’s great that you are reading and listening to podcasts as part of your recovery. Those topics like mind control, cognitive dissonance and cults are pretty heavy. So my advice would be to balance that heaviness with some lightness too. Do you have any guilty pleasures? Mine happens to be reality TV shows. I love Real Housewives, Top Chef, 90 Day Fiancé. There’s a million fun podcasts that do hilarious recaps of episodes like Bitch Sesh, Juicy Scoop, Watch What Crappens, just to name a few.

I had lived most of my adult life conforming to a very sheltered, very strict Christian religion, so I almost felt like an anthropologist as I started watching these show. Fighting with your friends is okay? Making very bad decisions is normal? Over-indulging (alcohol, food, shopping) can lead to regrets but it happens to the best of us? It was like a fun, light way of re-entering the human world. A world that’s 100% imperfect but I felt a sense of kinship because it was just so relatable.

Obviously reality TV is, by nature, over-the-top, but it was an important form of education for me. It was a gentle and (often) hilarious way for me to re-enter the real world. A way to see how people fought with their friends, drank too much, made very bad decisions — basically all of the aspects of being a human. It gave my brain and psyche a break from some of the heavier healing that I had going on.

Actually, watching reality TV was a great way to gauge where I was at in my cult recovery and healing process. In the early days of realizing that I had devoted my life to a religious cult, I couldn’t laugh. I could barely smile. But slowly, as the healing began, Porsha from Real Housewives of Atlanta made me laugh again. Or watching Heather Gay in Salt Lake City describing herself to Coach Shah as a “flapper with cankles” made me react with a loud burst of laughter (I’m actually writing this as I learn that Jen Shah has been arrested for fraud). My laughter initially began as weird combo of snort+laugh but as time went on, it turned into a full belly laugh (my favorite kind of laugh). And sometimes if I was lucky, the Real Housewives would make me laugh so hard I could barely breathe and I had tears coming down my face.

So my advice is for you to find your own Real Housewives-equivalent that will help you bring lightness and laughter back into your life.

Albert Camus wrote, “In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.”

It might still feel like winter for you, but please know that inside all of us is “an invincible summer” and there will be laughter and lightness in your life again.

Why It’s Never Too Late To Leave A High-Control Relationship, Group or Situation

Leave a Comment / Ask Lady Whistleblower

Dear Lady Whistleblower,

I’m a 45 year old single woman. If I’m honest with myself I would say I’m single not by choice. It’s just that dating and marrying outside of my religion is completely forbidden. In my 20’s I had a close friend who married a guy from work (he was not in our religion) and she was disciplined with our religion’s version of excommunication which meant her family and friends (including me!) had to shun her in order to stay in the good graces of our religion. I was traumatized by that event and never wanted the same fate to happen to me.

I’m too scared to leave my religion (I’m already 45 years old, for goodness sakes!) My whole community and social life is within my religion. Is there any way that I could stay in my religion but also feel free to live my own life? Is it too late for me to find my soul mate? Please help!

***

First of all, I love your honesty and I love that you are 45 years old. I think it was Gwyneth Paltrow (love her or hate her, she’s quirky and influential. I happen to like-love her) who once said that she thought women get a software upgrade when we turn 40. I wonder if you are going through something similar. In which case, congrats on the upgrade!

I know after my own lifetime of being inside a highly controlled religion, I had lost my natural ability to be honest with myself. I basically told myself every morning that I was happy, and that this was the best way to live. Seems harmless, right? Wrong. It wasn’t until I got quite sick and found it hard to get up in the mornings that I had to admit that I was lying to myself. I wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t living my best life. I didn’t even like the person that I had become.

As for your two questions, I think I will answer your second question first. At 45 years old, do you have a chance to find your Prince Charming? The short answer: YES! The long answer: Have you read Norma Kamali’s book, “I Am Invincible”? She talks about how she met her soulmate at the age of 65. She is now 75. I hope you find that inspirational because that means as long as we are always willing to meeting new people, having new experiences and being open to accepting love from others, it will never be too late. That’s the beauty of being alive.

Now, your first question is a lot harder to answer. Can you stay inside your religion but live your own life? I think you can try but ultimately you’ll find that the people in your religion who don’t see a need to change, grow or improve themselves will no longer fit your own needs for relationships and friendships. By that, I mean: Are you able to share your hopes and dreams with them? Are you able to wear what you want when you meet up with them? Do you agree with the choices they make about raising their kids and/or their views on higher education? Are you able to openly disagree with them and have a healthy exchange of differing ideas and thoughts? Can you talk about the books, TV shows and podcasts that you truly love? Only you can answer those questions. And only you can decide if that’s important enough for you to walk away from some people.

Even though it might seem like you are giving up a lot, let me share this delightful quote from Norma Kamali’s book as she talks about being okay with walking away from situations or relationships that challenge our integrity (or our true, honest self). She says, “But you have to be comfortable giving up what you have for what you could gain. Sometimes before you have to walk away is precisely when you have to walk away.”

Think about that quote from an inspirational 75 year old woman who met her soulmate at 65. Now think about the women inside your religion who are also 75 years old. I’ll be honest, I know 55 year old women in my former religion who suffered from chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and other health problems for most of their lives but were just “praying for the end to come”.

I think it’s clear what happens when we live a life that’s honest with our true self and allows us to live on the side of integrity. I think we’ve both seen firsthand the consequences of living a life that suppresses —and perhaps, even oppresses—our true self. Now, which life would you choose? Is it too late to choose? As long as you are alive and breathing, it’s never too late.